As a young girl I remember singing hymns as the words just babbled out of my mouth with no comprehension at all of what I was singing. I can hear my dad’s words to this day as he would talk about how hymns have such good lyrics and meaning. In my youthful ingnorance I thought my dad had no idea what he was talking about and I was right by thinking the more modern songs were the real deal. How foolish we can be in those teenage years. If only we would listen to our parents more and to ourselves less!

Now, as an adult who values the wisdom of those more experienced in life than I am, I’ve realized that my dad was right (as usual). The words to a hymn can be more peircing and convicting than many of the more modern worship songs we sing so often. Don’t get me wrong, I love many of those modern songs and have tons of them on my Ipod, but there’s something so pure and deep about the hymnals.

There is one hymn, however, that I have never come to grasp or let “settle” in my heart because I have never been able to accept the surrender that lies within it. Every time I sing its lyrics my soul cringes because I don’t dare think of having the same surrendered heart and attitude as the words are calling me to. Much like my teen years when I thought my way was better than my parents’ way, I find myself as an adult still thinking my way is better than my Heavenly Father’s way. It’s always so humbling to see how God works in the exact areas of our lives that we don’t want Him to. I would have been perfectly content with never having to live out the lyrics to this convicting hymn, yet that’s the precise area God chose to completely shake my life and test me to the core.

You see, throughout my pregnancy with Joshua, there were a few specific songs that would pop into my mind throughout the day. At first, I kept singing the songs “Mighty To Save” and “Our God Is Greater.” I would sing those songs to Joshua often, hoping he could hear the words and know God’s mighty power before ever being born. Then suddenly out of nowhere, and without my consent, the lyrics from the hymn “It Is Well With My Soul” would continually pop into my head. It was like the annoying song you don’t want to be singing, but just can’t get out of your mind. And it’s not because it’s a bad hymn or a meaningless one, but rather because each time it came into my thoughts I felt its conviction as God was speaking to me. I fought it, I pushed against it, I would try singing other songs, but in the end those words echoed in my mind continually. For me, those words were the exact thing I didn’t want to accept for my life and for my baby. I was terrified to surrender to the idea that God could take Joshua from me and my response would need to be one that is so opposite of our human nature: it is well with my soul. Could God really expect that from me? Could He really call me to that kind of surrender and obedience to Him? Isn’t that a bit harsh?

The more those words popped into my head, the more I found myself accepting the words rather than fighting against them. It’s no coincidence that the same hymn persistantly came to mind as I carried Joshua, knowing I might very well have to let go of the hopes and dreams of raising him. I later found out that this hymn had also been speaking to my husband during our pregnancy. Again – that is no coincidence.

I remember very vividly a day that I knew God was calling me to something bigger than myself, to a surrender I didn’t think possible. As the words to that hymn were in my head, I remember thinking, “God’s going to take Joshua home with Him and I need to be ok with that.” Like the hymn says, “when sorrows like sea billows roll,” I was living deep in that sorrow as I felt God calling me to let go. I was scared, I wept, my heart broke, and I was clinging to the Lord with all I had. The thing I came to realize that day is that the sorrow’s going to be there no matter what, however, I could choose to walk through it fighting against God’s purpose or being a part of His purpose.

Now, as I have recently walked through the pain and surrender I was so afraid of, I am learning how sweet it is to trust in Jesus. It doesn’t suddenly make life “easy” or take our pain away – not at all. I miss Joshua desperately every day. I feel the deepest pain I’ve ever known. I still have to trust God in each moment.  But instead of walking through all of this on my own and in m own way, I am walking through it with the Lord and am walking through it His way. I don’t get through each day by my own strength; I do it by His strength. I don’t find peace in the midst of my pain by a self-help book or by being around the right people; I find it in the presence of God. I don’t find joy in my sorrow because my circumstances are good; God fills me with joy by His grace so that I can walk through my pain gracefully.

We all have a tendancy to fight against the very thing we are afraid of. I didn’t want it to be “well with my soul” that I would lose my child so soon. But because of God’s grace, mercy, goodness, faithfulness, and steadfast love for me, I can greive while knowing that “it is well with my soul.”

If you are walking through deep pain right now, I hope you will be encouraged to surrender and trust God with your pain. My prayer is that in your surrender you experience His good and faithful character. May you dance with Jesus the indescribable dance of sorrow and joy. May Christ be your joy in the midst of your deepest pain.

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!” Psalm 30:11-12

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

Reflection Questions:

Have you ever had a time when God was speaking to you and you resisted?

What is the deepest pain you’ve experienced, and what did you do to find peace?

How do you find God speaking to you? Through songs, reading, prayer, others?

Is there an area you feel God working on in your life that needs to be surrendered? What is holding you back?

How can you let go and trust God today?

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul. Refrain: It is well with my soul, it is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blest assurance control, that Christ has regarded my helpless estate, and hath shed his own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, the clouds be rolled back as a scroll; the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, even so, it is well with my soul.